chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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