Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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