if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
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