who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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