I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
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