two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
