My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
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