some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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