I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
foreskin is a definite game changer
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
