I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
I could fuck to npr.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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