Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
