Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Randomize
