I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Randomize
