you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
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