i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Randomize
