dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
