i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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