Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Randomize
