it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize