Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Randomize
