Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
