look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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