Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
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