You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
