right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
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