Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Randomize