I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Randomize
