Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize
