I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Randomize
