and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
Randomize
