everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize