I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
