if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
