I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
