I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
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