Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
