I have demons in me.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
