You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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