Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
