Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
i was born a porn star she said
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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