wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize