Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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