Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Randomize
