I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
i will never coherently bang her
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
