Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Randomize
