youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
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