good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize