you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
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