So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
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