It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
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