Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
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