I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
