I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
