My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
