apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
