Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
