just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
There are leaves in my underwear?
Randomize
