His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Randomize
