see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
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