Jerry, you need to find god
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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