Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
He did a backflip because drugs
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
